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No Country for Grumpy
Old Frenchmen
Posted July 14, 2011
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Previous Bastille Day stories -
2006: Tancredi celebrates Bastille Day
2007: I al-most forgot to remind ev-ery-one
zat eet ees
Bastille Day!
2008: Yup, it's BASTILLE DAY again!
2009: Forget
BASTILLE DAY? *Nevaire!*
2010: Liberte, Egalite, MATERNITE!
It would appear that yet more Lauvergeons have
come to visit – namely, Marjolaine’s younger
half-brother,
Basil: *muttering* Bloody inconsiderate of these Frenchies
to just drop in –
Headphones: … When I'm drivin' in my car
And the man comes on the radio
He's tellin' me more and more
About some useless information
Supposed to drive my imagination…
Marjolaine: Do not to mind Ba-sil, mon frère – I am ‘ap-py
to see you. An’ to what do we owe ze plaisir of your
com-pany? You know zat Maman, she would
like for you to vi-sit ‘er now an’ then –
Cunégonde: Look ‘oo ees tal-king *hmph*…
Marjolaine: C’est vrai – Maman, she ees al-ways to
change her mind, zo I pay ‘er
no mind, and do what needs be do-ing, wheen I am zere –
Basil: Wot’s on the telly
**click**… mebbe this’ll drown ‘em
out –
Headphones: …When I'm watchin'
my TV
And a man comes on and tells me
How white my shirts can be
But he can't be a man 'cause he doesn't smoke
The same cigarettes as me…
Cunégonde: **sees little weeping Buddha** Le Pauvre – I sym-pathize, I do…
Basil: …gotta be a game on somewhere in th’
world **flip-flip-flip-flip** –
Headphones: …I can't get no, I can't get no
I can't get no satisfaction, no satisfaction
No satisfaction, no satisfaction
I can't get no…
**creeeeek… creeeeek…
creeeeek…**
Marjolaine: Qu’est-ce que?... Do you ‘ear zat sound,
Verdi?
Tancredi: Zat, mon oncle, ees ze sound of liberté in ac-tion! To-day ees ze anniversaire of ze fall of ze Bastille,
and ze commence-ment of
Marjolaine: Ah, zo you still ‘ave
zat guillotine; I must to say eet
ees authen-tic –
Basil: Eh, son, ye make a better door’n a window – yer gonna get in the way o’the telly!
Headphones: …You better stop, look around,
here it comes,
Here it comes, here it comes,
Here it comes. Here comes your nine-teenth nervous
breakdown…
Tancredi: I weesh to bring to ze
life our glorious histoire – as I am
a true son of
Basil: Don’t ferget yer my half-English son – and a mighty fine
door, too, HAR!
Tancredi: Zen I am une porte!
Basil: Port, door – suit yerself, son. Guess I’ll
shelve telly then. **puts aside remote**
Headphones: …You were still in school when you
had that fool who really messed your mind.
And after that you turned your back on treating people kind.
On our first trip I tried so hard to rearrange your mind.
But after while I realized you were disarranging mine…
Marjolaine: Ba-sil, ‘e ees
correct; you are on-lee ‘alf Français, Tancredi
–
Tancredi: But – but ‘ow can YOU be so ca-sual about zees ‘oliday! Af-ter all, YOU are both Freench!
‘Ave you no pride een our country’s great accomplish-ment, throwing off ze chains of
op-pression?
Headphones: …It's three a.m., there's too much
noise
Don't you people ever wanna go to bed?
'Cause you feel so good
Do you have to drive me out of my head?...
Marjolaine: Oh, oui,
zat was a splendid gesture, but – you must to
remember zat our
famille, eet ees not all Freench. We are aussi Tahitian, et Indochine –
Cunégonde: AAAAARGH – can zis get a-ny more STUPIDE?
Buddha Girl: Hey evvybody! It dat
time’a year – we gots
WATTERMELON dat needs cuttin’
–
Imperious Jade: An’ so does dis key rhyme pie I bring, too –
Angry Sparrow: Yeh, an’ I want some a’ bot’
–
Tragic
Marjolaine: Ah, c’est mon
amie cherie, Im-perious Jade! Quelle surprise – ça va?
Imperious Jade: Eh, I pretty good. Here, have dis pie! Key
rhyme!
Buddha Girl: Oh good, Frenchy, you gots
you big cutter out – you know it WATTERMELON time again! We borrow dat, like usual –
Tancredi: Very well, lee-tle Tweets; I know ‘ow ‘appy eet
make you, for to see ze red red
juices flow –
Headphones: …I said, "Hey, you, get off
of my cloud
Hey, you, get off of my cloud
Hey, you, get off of my cloud
Don't hang around 'cause two's a crowd
On my cloud"…
A
little later…
Headphones: …Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name, oh yeah
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game…
Basil: Hmmmmm?...
Buddha Girl: Eh, Frenchy, why you start smokin’
agin?
Angry
Sparrow: Yeh, don’ you know it no
good fo’ you?
Tancredi: But I ne-ver to STOP ze
fumer een ze first place!
Marjolaine: Your dia-mond, c’est magnifique! – where
deed eet come from?
Imperious Jade: Tanks – it pretty swell rock alright, d’o de
gent wat give it me, he jus’ a swell HEAD. *chuckle*
Cunégonde: So… zis ‘appen EVERY
year?
Tragic
Meantime,
it appears
