A Sparrows Xmas Carol,
With Apologies to Dickens
Posted December 24, 2012
Buddha Girl: Eh, Sisters, so it X-mas agin – wat we gonna do fo’ de festivalities, hm?
Angry Sparrow: Dunno. Ma flew de coop, so guess we on our own – agin.
Tragic Plum: Oooh, we should be used to it by now…Mama isn’t much of a nester…
Buddha Girl: I’m tinkin’ Santy owes us dis year, since we orp’ans agin – guess we better go fin’ de ol’ guy an’ give him a piece’a our min’s!
Sister Serafina: I wouldn’t do that, if I were you, little Sparrows!
Buddha Girl: EH! Who you, an’ why you sayin’ dat?
Angry Sparrow: Yeh, it soun’ like a t’reat.
Tragic Plum: Definitely a threat, and not a treat…ooooooooh…
Sister Serafina: I’m the Spirit of Christmas Past, and I’ve been reviewing your past Christmases. Suffice to say, they’ve been more about mean-spiritedness than goodness –
Christmas 2006, you threatened an innocent goose, and waited to ambush Santa Claus –
(Link to full story: What’s sauce for the Christmas goose?)
Christmas 2007, you trashed Santa’s house –
(Link to full story: It’s the Gingerbread House of Horrors)
And engaged in an unseemly display of gluttony –
(Link to full story: Nourriture Pour Les Oiseaux Sauvages)
Last year, you hoarded your blessings from Santa, and fought in front of Him!
(Link to full story: Falalalala…or, How NOT to Spend Christmas!)
Buddha Girl: It not ALL our fault – dat troll tryin’ to steal our stuff!
Angry Sparrow: An’ gooses don’ get in oven by deyselfs –
Tragic Plum: Ooooh, I didn’t mean to put my foot through Santa’s roof, really I didn’t… ooooh…
Sister Serafina: I see; what is past is past. There is always the Present, is there not? Expect a visit from that spirit next; my task here is done, little Sparrows, so I bid you farewell **exits**.
Buddha Girl: Eh, where dat angel lady get to? Guess you mus’ be dat odder spirit, den?
Angry Sparrow: He a pretty swell dude, i’n’t he?
Tragic Plum: Ooh, he IS! He reminds me of someone we know…though not as tan…
Andronicus: From your palaver I take it my colleague has been here already – yes, I am the Spirit of Christmas Present, here to have a word with you –
Buddha Girl: Hey, dat mean you in charge a’de X-MAS PRESENTS, den? We SO ready fo’ dem!
Angry Sparrow: Yeh, it time fo’ sump’ting GOOD –
Tragic Plum: Oh yes, there’s nothing like the PRESENTS – or is it PRESENCE of the presents?
Andronicus: Sorry to be a buzz-kill, little girls, but I have nothing to do with presents. My job is to be about the Present, which is what we all are in right now, and there’s nothing really going on –
Andronicus: Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment with this lovely lady –
He Min: Ready, Boss?
Buddha Girl: Heh, it look like Santy been good to YOU! But wat about US?
Andronicus: Expect a visit from yet another spirit, very soon – now I must be going **doffs hat**.
Angry Sparrow: ANUDDER spirit?
Tragic Plum: Oooh, maybe this one will be more Christmassy, I hope…
**rustle of leathery wings**
Third Eye Blind: Well hey there little girlies – it’s me, the Ghost of Christmas Future, come to show you what’s in it for you, heheh!
Buddha Girl: You don’ look very festive – an’ wat you gots under you arm?
Angry Sparrow: Yeh, it sure don’ look like a bag o’presents –
Tragic Plum: And all I see is ONE thing – I guess we’ll have to SHARE, oooooh…
Third Eye Blind: Oh, you’ll be sharin’ this one for sure! Where one o’ you goes, th’ others always follow –
Buddha Girl: Wat you sayin’, bat guy – dis our TOMBSTONE? Wat a cheesy, cheap piece a’rock!
Angry Sparrow: Yeh, it look it from dat Wallsmart place – wat up wit dat?
Tragic Plum: Oooh, yes, I was hoping we could have one of those big angels, when the time comes…
Third Eye Blind: Sorry little girlies, but that’s whatcher future’s got for you. I’m just the messenger and clean-up crew; I don’t write this stuff. Merry Christmas, and all that!
Buddha Girl: *siiiigh* Dis SO not de X-mas I have in min’, sisters –
Angry Sparrow: Yeh, it kinda suck –
Tragic Plum: Ooooh, I wondered what that sound was…
Buddha Girl: I – I SO sorry, sisters. Dis not wat I wanted fo’ us. No Santy, and t’ree creepy people tellin’ us we so bad we don’ even gets an angel when we dies *sniff-sniff* –
Angry Sparrow: Aw, sister, mebbe it not so bad – we be togedder den, jus’ like we togedder now, at least –
Tragic Plum: Ooooh yes, sister’s right, we always have each other, anyway **pats hand**…
Imperious Jade: Eh, why de long long faces? Momma’s here! Come gadder ‘round, chidrens!
Tragic Plum: Oooooooooh, it’s REALLY you, Momma –
Angry Sparrow: An’ lookin’ real swell, too – see, sister!
Buddha Girl: Gosh… dis mus’ be one of dem X-mas miracles – Momma!
Buddha Girl: X-mas is SAVED – we gots our Momma, wat else we want! *grin*
Angry Sparrow: Oh, I dunno – I wouldn’ min’ a present or two –
Imperious Jade: I gots some for you, don’ worry – NEW sewin’ machines wat ‘broiders *chuckle* –
Tragic Plum: Ooooh, that sounds better than tombstones…I think! Ooooooh…
And 2013 may be the Year of the Sweatshops *wink*.
Switching holidays (and parents), we drop in on the Jacksons’ Father’s Day –