Tell Santa What You Want
Posted December 23, 2008
E’Clair: There, sweetheart – don’t want Santa to see a smudge on your pretty little face -- **administers Kleenex**
Lovechild: *sigh* Yes, maman… (Why do mothers insist on cleaning with spit?)
Lovechild: So, maman has turned photographer – that is an impressive camera.
E’Clair: Well, sweetie, this will be a very special picture. It’s not every day Santa comes to visit, but you have been a VERY good girl, you know, so I know he’ll listen carefully to what you ask him for.
Lovechild: I take it then, that YOU believe he’s real?
E’Clair: Indeed he is – and HERE he is -- Santa!
Santa: ‘Allo, ‘allo, eet ees Père Noel, come to lee-sen to ze wishes of a ver-ee good lee-tle jeune fille. Ah, zere is she -- c’est bonne! Come sit weez moi.
Lovechild: Maman, where did you say you found this, um, Santa, anyway?
E’Clair: Now sweetie, please smile –
Santa: Do as maman asks you, so zat she may make ze photographie jolie for to re-member zees mo-ment een l’histoire de tu vie --
Lovechild: Hmph. I don’t believe you’re really Santa – or that there IS a Santa.
Lovechild: I mean, you speak like my papa, and you even stink of Galoises like he does –
E’Clair: Now, Lovechild, don’t be so cross with Santa, and look this way –
Santa: But Père Noel, ‘e knows zat you are part-lee Française, so ‘e weesh to make sure your patrie eet ees re-spected.
Lovechild: Well, I don’t believe you are Santa AT ALL, and I don’t appreciate being deceived like this -- papa! *tosses head*
Santa: While I am flat-tered zat you should to mees-take moi for such a ‘andsome fel-low, I as-sure you, lee-tle one, zat I am indeed ze gen-uine Père Noel –
Buddha Girl: Hey, SANTY! Down here! ‘Bout time you show up -- we gots some DISCUSSIN’ to do wit you!
Angry Sparrow: Yeh, you get by las’ year when you sen’ you son, but dis year diff’ent.
Lovechild: Looks like you are in for it, papa.
Santa: Mes oiseaux petites, do not to jump to the conclusions maintenant -- What ees your complaint weez old Père Noel, any-way? ‘E on-lee weesh you ze best, ‘e does –
Buddha Girl: Dat may be de case, but we figger we REALLY owed dis year! Ms. Beamlette took us wit’ her to Or’gon ‘n’ Wash’ton week before las’, but she only let us outta our bag TWICE –
Angry Sparrow: Yeh, we got cheated of a swell time –
Buddha Girl: See, she took us out when she an’ Ms. Clara on de train, but all we do is fall down e’vy time it make sudden move – well, ‘cept me, ‘cause I gots c’ordination, ya know –
Angry Sparrow: It a real jerky ride, all right. Dey gots goofy drivers.
Buddha Girl: Den only udder time she take us out, it for coffee, not even a REAL meal – an’ it AWFUL drafty in dere too – dunno WAT dat about!
Angry Sparrow: Yeh, it get up my skirt.
E’Clair: I’m sorry you didn’t have a very fun trip, little Sparrows, but he’s busy right now with Lovechild –
Santa: Oui -- I deed not breeng ma-ny pre-sents, as I’ad to tra-vel light. Ze airlines zey make eet ‘ard to breeng theengs weez you any-more –
Lovechild: Like your REINDEER, Santa? *sarcastic*
Buddha Girl: Eh, we really not ask much – we jus’ wanna TALK to Santy, face t’face. He a’ways ‘nore us, jus’ ‘cause we get mad sometimes. But we BELIEVE in him, anyway!
Angry Sparrow: E’vybody get mad at e’vybody sometimes, but dey gets over it.
E’Clair: Awwww… that sounds simple enough – maybe I can help you out *smile* --
E’Clair: All right, everyone – SMILE – say “cheese”!
Lovechild: In Santa’s case, it’s more like fromage -- and a smelly one, at that –
Buddha Girl: Eh, Santy, you sure look familler – I swear I see you somewheres before.
Angry Sparrow: He smell familler, too. I know dat stink.
Santa: Now, now – zat ees not nice to say to Père Noel. ‘E may to geeve you ze coal in ze sock, n’est pas?
A little while later…
Santa: An’ what would YOU like, lee-tle Santa personne?
Moth: Haha! We like BIG Santy an’ little Santy – I tink I fit better down chimbleys dan you. Big Santy, you can bring me LOTS ‘a tings – I wanna wagon ta hitch to my tri-cycle, an’ I wanna buncha NEW shoes – no ol’ used ones, NEW ones – OH! Maybe dey should match, so no one tink I crazy –
Lovechild: Don’t worry, they KNOW -- *waves hand*
Moth: OH – an’ I wants dis “Whirled Peas” I hear dem talkin’ ‘bout all de time – how you tink dey do dat?
Lovechild: I am NOT waiting to find out – I am SO outta here – *slide*
Santa has another lap-warmer…
E’Clair: I think that went pretty well, my Man of Tan. I have some nice pictures of you and Lovechild – thankfully, it isn’t a video, so we can’t hear what all our little girl SAID –
Tancredi: Ah, what comes from ze bouches de les enfants… I do not ‘ear ze half of eet, any-way! I pre-fer to ‘ear what comes from YOUR bouche sucré, ma jolie coeur. Now, tell me what YOU would like for the Christ-mas, s’il vous plait. *dirty French chuckle*.
E’Clair: *giggle* Oh, SANTA! –
E’Clair: But I have everything I could want, really – our sweet little Lovechild, and you, my dearest Man of Tan *kiss*. What would YOU like?
Santa Tancredi: Ah… I should like for you an’ moi we to re-treat to zat chaise longue confortable across ze room *waggles eyebrows*.
E’Clair: *laughs* Why yes, we can do that – most happily!
Yet another little while later…
**sounds of E’Clair and Tancredi, giggling**
Moth: OOOOOO! Wat Santy and dat lady doin’ now?
Buddha Girl: I STILL can’ figger out who dat Santy remine me of – wat you tink, sister?
Angry Sparrow: I dunno, but I tink he a perv.
Lovechild: Drat – I KNOW I didn’t ask for another sibling!
And on this happy note, we at the House of Beamlette wish all of you a VERY merry, and NON-pervy, Christmas!
(E’Clair’s sweater and skirt by Anne in the
Of course Christmas isn’t all about gimme-gimme, as Raven and Blackwell demonstrate –